“Behind the story I tell is the one I don’t. Behind the story you hear is the one I wish I could make you hear. Behind my carefully buttoned collar is my nakedness, the struggle to find clean clothes, food, meaning, and money. Behind sex is rage, behind anger is love, behind this moment is silence, years of silence.”
it’s not like i wanted to hate men. or even hate men now. or hate patriarchy. or hate sometimes the female body i am in. or hate women who serve men and patriarchy. or wish many times i was a boy. or wish many times i could just kick ass on the street. i don’t want these thoughts.
damn, i didn’t want to do all that. i don’t want to do all that now. i do, however, am aware of patriarchy and constantly and consistently stand up for myself in it’s midst. i do not want to be all that hate. be that hateful person. be that kind of hateful girl. that kind of hateful woman. be that kind of hateful human being.
No, i don’t want to be a boy or a man but damn, it takes so much unnecessary energy to be girl/woman many times on this planet. it takes so much energy, so many thoughts, anger, rage, healing, loving, processing, healing again, praying, meditating, affirmations to affirm myself as this woman human being.
i love being a girl in my world where it is safe to be one. i love being a woman in my world where it is safe to be one. and i want to be a woman who wants to be with a man in a world where it is safe to be with one. and be together. sometimes i don’t think that is possible. and this is coming from me, who always says, a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g is possible.
i struggle being with a “man.” i struggle even being attracted to a “man.” i struggle being attracted to the masculine. many times i have wished i was a lesbian. or that i was a gay guy. sometimes, i think it would be so much easier to be with a woman. or just be a nun. or just be a man. is it? actually i think i should just get out of the conversation of easier vs. harder. i want to be alive.
yesterday, i was walking down the street in williamsburg, brooklyn and i see 2 young girls, looked like they were best friends, 14 or 15 years old, coming my way. they were happy. i smiled passing them. a few seconds later, i see the 2 older men walking in front of me, looked they were in their 40s, turn their heads and checked out the butts and backsides of theses young women’s bodies. i was completely disgusted. this happens all the time and everywhere. i see this on the street all the time. i was and still am so disgusted.
i grew up with my father’s physical and emotional violence. first, i was afraid. then it would just continue and then continue. so then i got annoyed with him and his behavior and my mother’s behavior around it all of not speaking out against the violence. i got annoyed with being afraid all the time. because i got annoyed, i then got fed up. then i wanted to get even. then i told myself i must exhibit “my power, my strength” just like my father and brother: be forceful, be loud, be right there, front and in center.
i do not choose that. not now. not from me or anyone else. and not ever. not attractive and not attracting to me at all. …not ever. i know, i truly know, that violence just begets violence. hurt begets hurt. no more. it ends here. dayum, it must end here.
last week i was talking with my great friend/hermana, Margaret and she came up with these terms:
nurturing masculinity and empowering femininity.
once i heard them from her, i said, i’m sharing these terms with the world! please take them, world, take them and share them and make your own declarations.
i declared that night to the universe and with her, that i was attracting and bringing and being nurturing masculinity and empowering femininity into my space and my life. i want to create a safe space for men and women on this planet. i want to stop feeling unsafe on this planet.
i want to stop hearing “men will be men.” i hate that phrase and conversation.
I got to meet Tony Porter last year for a minute. I thank you Tony Porter for your life and your commitment. You create a safe space for all of us to live in. You create a safe space for me already. I feel much more alive on this planet. There is so much more work to do, so much more to write, so much more to say. Please hold me accountable to make this world a safe space for all of us too. We NEED and MUST do this together.
Please share this website and the video: A CALL TO MEN WEBSITE: http://www.acalltomen.org/
HERE WE GO, ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE, Moana. Never give up on that.
Thank you Marie Varghese for this video!!!